Shuffle Time is Money

*Below is an update*

Sick of feeding candy to Wolverine in order to restore a mere 50 HP while Dr. Robotnik tries to take over the Mushroom Kingdom with puyos and gems that release magical attacks when lined up? This shit makes more sense than flinging bird torsos at Jinga blocks and pork balls, but not more sense than remastering Krazy Kreatures for my 3DS, so why isn't that a thing? At least Tetris Attack the handheld. No? I'll settle for Pokemon Puzzle League. Still no? Oh, there's Trozei, but that's kinda boring with how every stage feels the same, and you could beat it while drunk off your ass. It's lack of challenge fits right in with the difficulty of most other Pokemon games that don't include "Stadium" or "Colosseum" in the title. Then again, those two were not so much difficult as they were outright cheap and annoying. I know Hard Mode is supposed to be hard, but that doesn't mean moves like Body Slam should come with a 100% chance status effect against my team, while my own attacks have an increased chance of missing. When a Nidoking can miraculously manhandle my Starmie with minimal damage, that's a justifiable reason to call bullshit on the whole thing, isn't it?

After purchasing my handy dandy New 3DS XL, I went right back to my old 3DS to play Nintendo's newest step towards becoming a soulless gaming company, Pokemon Shuffle. Shuffle is basically Trozei, but it's not mind-numbingly simple. If it was, what excuse would there be to purchase jewels with my money? Didn't know you could purchase jewels with real cash? Perhaps you merely forgot. No worries there, because Shuffle will remind you after every game with tips like, "You can earn coins by playing the game, or by using jewels," or "If you run out of jewels, buy more in the Nintendo eShop," and, "You're never gonna catch'em all with a proper S ranking if you don't start purchasing all the expensive power-ups with the coins and jewels that you get from the eShop, you cheap bastard!" To put the price of items into perspective, one can earn 100 coins from completing a standard puzzle, or 300 from an expert puzzle, the first time. After that, it's only 30 coins. The exceptions to this involve a wealthy Meowth who is available during the weekends, along with the standard Meowth stage that allows for a much smaller reward, but, hey, it's better than the chump change you're getting otherwise. Lastly, your best opportunity comes with the daily check-in bonus of 500 coins (1000 every 10 days). So with all these small lumps of cash, what can a player buy to improve his chances of catching a Pokemon?

Thankfully, there are many stages with only one or two of these power-ups available, because using something like a disruption delay or a complexity -1 will actually do nothing against certain Pokemon.

Scary times are ahead.

Ok, so it has already been established by numerous others that this is a freemium title, and the most obvious flaw here is going to be the game's reliance upon microtransactions, but Shuffle, for the most part, is actually fun to play. There are a few stages that blantantly demand your coins, but those frustrations are the minority.

Ermahgerd, it's teh legundayre Merptwo!

As one can see, it's your standard match 3 puzzle game with Pokemon mechanics (and asshole-ish limiters) mixed in. Playing a stage requires the use of one heart, and each heart takes 30 minutes to replenish. There's a five-heart limit for freebies, but that shouldn't surprise anyone. A team for each stage consists of four critters (sometimes three) with one potential mega evolution among them. Only the first Pokemon in the group can mega evolve, and one must have the stone to do it. These are won through defeating the mega evolution trainers that a player will periodically battle against, while a few are won through competitve online play. The most recent one (as of this post) was for Blastoisinite. The top 20000 scores earned one, while the rest received a single jewel. That doesn't sound too difficult, does it? There were over 196,000 participates for that event. I don't know how I actually managed to win one for my Blastoise.

When choosing Pokemon, there is a convenient button to "Optimize" your team. This takes type and power into consideration, but not abilities.

Attack Power and a Mega Evolution doesn't amount to much if the stage is only six turns in length and littered with disruptions. Disruptions, by the way, can take the forms of breakable blocks, ice, unbreakable blocks, black clouds, and garbage Pokemon, which are usually ineffective against your target. While most stages are set by a specific number of moves, the expert stages help to mix things up by allowing the player to move Pokemon anywhere he wants, and as many times as he wants, within a time limit. The sooner you defeat a Pokemon, the higher your ranking. and a higher rank means a higher catching percentage.

Unfortunately, this usually doesn't help as much as it should. Even if a player manages to successfully complete a stage with a perfect selection of moves, the chances of capture are STILL going to be below 50% for just about anything worth having. What Shuffle offers in these situations is the Great Ball. For 2500 coins, you can double your odds of catching that Merptwo that the game constantly reminds you about, because it would be a super effective teammate to have against that Manutz you've struggled to beat, but what good is doubling 15%? Who really wants to piss away that many coins for less than a coin flip's chance of success? Shame on you, Nintendo. Shame. *wags finger*

For what it's worth, Pokemon Shuffle is a wonderful break from playing an actual game on the 3DS. Nintendo keeps it fresh with daily/weekly events, and the music is catchy. It's still freemium, of course, and the limitations turn it into shit, but it's delightful shit!

Delightfully... evil... shit.

Updated (9-8-15)

Not surprisingly, higher levels are bloated with health, including the adorably worthless catches, like Mime Jr. and Starly. Even with a full team of max-leveled monsters doling out super effective attacks, each hit has minimal effect. It's disheartening to watch a Gothita shrug off shots from a Mega Gengar. To add insult, disruptions are exceptionally precise. If reducing your best offense to little more than chip damage isn't enough, imagine using a turn or two to set up a decent combo only to watch it immediately turn to shit at that moment. This sort of thing completely ruins the puzzle mechanic, and being reminded that one should spend money to prevent this... but I would like to make a correction.

I've been pointing my Wright finger in the wrong direction. While the company may have a large chunk of stock (I read something about it being a third), Nintendo does not actually own Pokemon. It's similar to when they were tied together with Rare and its games, until Microsoft took over. Pokemon Shuffle is not Nintendo's product. It belongs to The Pokemon Company, an affiliate, not a subsidiary, of Nintendo. *In other words, Big N doesn't call the shots.* I aplogize for blaming Nintendo directly. Thank you for not turning into every other major gaming developer... yet. (Hopefully never.)