And now I favor Gilius.

I recently bought a video game that wasn't made decades ago. No, it wasn't part of a Humble Bundle, either, so shut the fuck up, Paul! After wrapping up my blog about sky pirates, I decided to purchase Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, because it has Vyse in it, along with Rhaknam, who makes a cameo appearance under the islands of the Rogue's Landing track. Seriously, that's why I bought it. It certainly wasn't because Wreck-It Ralph is a playable character. Who's bright idea was that shit? Oh, I can't wait to choose a racer with "wreck" in his name! Typing of wrecks, Danica Patrick is also a playable character. What she has to do with actual racing is beyond me, but it's interesting to note that she is the only character whose vehicle will automatically smash itself during the first lap. The occurrence is random, and there's nothing the player can do to prevent it. Once, after I selected her, the Danicar exploded the moment the race began and all I could do was watch her walk out from the flaming rubble and sign autographs for Billy Hatcher and his friends.

In Sonic & Sega All-Star Racing, the Racing Rooster requires a microtransaction of twenty-five cents from the player before a race can begin. Even then, all it does is slowly move back and forth to carnival music.

Billy isn't a playable racer in the sequel, because Sega refuses to pay any more royalties to Wonder Bread for his vehicle's appearance. Fortunately, he can still be seen in the game as a sticker. As a sticker! The kid has an entire race track themed after his game, and he, apparently, wasn't popular enough to be part of its background. Yeah, thumbs up to you too, Billy ...you fucking dork.

Sonic & All-Stars Racing With An Unnecessarily Long Title For A Simple Kart Racing Game Transformed, or "S&ASRWAULTFASKRGT" for short, should not be viewed as the poor man's Mario Kart, because that title went to Konami Krazy Karts Racers over a decade ago when it recreated the series in a seemingly blatant manner, with special exception to the weapons and characters whose fame doesn't hold a red candle to the amount of recognition for Nintendo's mascots.

You wanted Goemon? You got Goemon! You wanted Snake? You got, um, Gray Fox. You wanted Simon Belmont? You got whatever the Hell that thing in the back is suppose to be.

Sega's racing sequel does quite a bit more than play the role of a Mario Kart doppelganger. It offers up a cast that digs into Sega's rich library, much like Nintendo does with the Smash Bros series, and follows that up with the obvious request of including people outside of Sega's virtual world, like Yogscast's Simon Lane and three of the members of the Team Fortress 2 family: Spy, Pyro, and Heavy. The selection depends upon the version a person buys. As of this moment, more DLC is being created, including more faces behind the wheel. For an idea that Nintendo utilized in the Fighting genre, it's a shame they haven't done much of the same thing with their Racing series outside of Japanese arcades. It would be better than trying to fill out their roster with a bunch of baby versions of main characters who would be constantly pooping their Pampers, tossing them out like brown banana peels, and smearing the fecal matter all over the place until it looked like a stage from Super Mario Sunshine.

Here's a smart move on my part. A callback to a blog entry no one read.

The race tracks exhibit a great deal of personality, more so than many of the locations found in the Mario Kart series, and not only do they represent the games where many of the drivers originate from, but also of some of Sega's other gems, like The House of the Dead, Panzer Dragoon, and Burning Rangers. Most reward exploration and experimentation with all sorts of forking routes, shortcuts, and ramps for stunt boosts that can be sought out by any one driver thanks to unlockable vehicle modifications. This is a sort of courtesy to those of us who prefer to select the same mascot(s), even when their standard attributes are not necessarily the best choice for a particular course. In addition to the usual Grand Prix, Time Attack, and Single Race modes, there's also the World Tour, a series of mission-based races that rewards the player with stars needed to unlock vehicle mods, drivers, tracks, and Expert Mode. There are achievements or stickers that can be earned for a variety of reasons, though this sort of feature has become a standard for video games nowadays. Still, it's amazing how much is packed into each course. Rather than winning, take the time to slow down and admire the view. Plenty of cameos to look for, including Ecco the Dolphin, Big the Cat, and the giant, godlike presence of an all-seeing Amiga. Not to be outdone by aesthetics, Sonic & All-Stars also delivers a soundtrack that's almost as glorious as that of Sonic '06 (which was awful in every other imaginable way), offering numerous remixed versions of popular music from various Sega games, as well as a personal all-star theme song for each character when activated. All in all, I should be proclaiming this as, like, the bestest racing game on karts ever!

"Does it not totes yagotes?"

Almost, but no, Upset Earl, it does not. While Sumo Digital clearly put a great deal of love and hard work into this offering, there are a few things I've experienced that left me feeling cheated. I once found myself stopped because of a closed door on the Burning Rangers stage that did not open as we approached it. A few days later, while racing Ocean View, I fell through the track near the end of the third lap and, like with Burning Depths, was stuck with six other drivers, all of whom were sliding back and forth against the wall in a similar fashion to those idiots in Arathi Basin who believe they're going to reach the Farm's flag before I do by mount-humping the starting gate. Hey, if you ain't sportin' a movement buff that I lack, you might as well continue on towards Blacksmith!

I lost all my screenshots of Juppiter flexing arrogantly, so here's a picture of Chance and Cooper as puppies cowering under the table arrogantly.

Vehicle transformation is generally seamless, except in a few areas, like in the Dream Valley where converting back into the aircraft seems to result in a troublesome hard right turn into an invisible wall, regardless of what direction I aim the joystick. Each type handles differently, as would be expected of a car, boat, and plane, with the boat being the most difficult to control. Periodically, I will hit a wave and watch my racer get turned around long enough to fall to last place. Sailing's a tricky bitch to master, I suppose. Since tracks will be altered with each passing lap, everyone will need to switch to a different vehicle mode to adapt. This is the excuse one can use to combat the whining of the fanbase when it comes to Sonic in a Racing title. Without it, many would waste their time polluting internet forums with gibberish like, "Why would Sonic need to drive a car," instead of the usual, "Hey everyone! Rate my new original creation. He looks just like Sonic, but he has neon yellow fur and his eyes are different colors!" Sigh, while I can't quite figure out the reasoning for producing these look-a-like fan characters, they're still better than abusing the old South Park templates that were around back when I played Starcraft with people quoting Zero Wing, proclaiming themselves to be "Gosu," and adding SSJ- to their account names.

I'm somewhat out of the loop of what's popular to exploit nowadays. Is it still fake CCG cards? Fsjal?

Ponified bullshit?

I guess it doesn't matter. The point I was trying to make is that since many race tracks require the hedgehog to take to the sky or sail across the water, people now have a valid reason to shut up about Sonic being in a vehicle: because he can not swim, he can not fly, and, just throwing this in for good measure, he can not appear in a 3D Platformer that doesn't bring shame to the Sonic Team developers.

Meanwhile, perfectly concealed, Knuckles indulges in his voyeurism unabashed.

Another odd thing I'd like to point out is Amy Rose. Not Amy Rose herself, though I wouldn't mind strangling her every time I hear that obnoxious voice, but that she's seemingly the rival driver of everyone else. During the Grand Prix, or any race including her among the competitors, Amy will fly out in front and earn herself a strong early lead unless quickly beaten down with weapons. This isn't to say that a player cannot pass her. As fast as she may be, Amy collides into nearly every moving obstacle the track throws into our path and wastes her weapons as soon as she picks them up, just like the other CPU drivers. It's not really a complaint I'm making. Just an observation. I'm curious to know if there really is some sort of favoritism going on over at Sumo Digital. One of the reasons I ask has to do with those glitched races I mentioned before. In every situation where that occurred, Amy was always able to pass through and take first place. I have no clue how she gets around the problem, but she's the only one that ever does.

Overall, I think the 3DS version of S&ASRT is a wonderful game in its own right, but I also believe it is noticeably inferior to its console counterparts. Possessing weaker graphics means boost arrows and smaller obstacles are more difficult to spot, and a lower frame rate creates moments of slowdown during the track transformations of a race. There's even a few other glitches that many will probably never see patches for in their handheld copy. One that I find particularly obnoxious can occur after using the all-star move. For the remainder of that race, the player will be unable to perform any more stunts, meaning no trick boosts. Another has to do with the game not recognizing all successfully-performed stunts. There were a few races where I played it safe and settled for a single trick during a high jump only to receive nothing for it. Still, none of these complaints are game-breaking. If you've got options as to which one to buy, I heavily support the decision to choose one of the console versions. After all, if you plan on playing Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, you might as well play it to the fullest!

With Gilius Thunderhead!

...the sore loser of the bunch.

Take a Ride on the Ooze Cruise

Josh, one of the few generally cheerful co-workers at my store, handed me his copy of Resident Evil Revelations for the 3DS with the belief that I would enjoy the experience.

I don't know. Maybe?

I don't generally play Survival Horror titles, because the gameplay irritates me and the content has a tendency to feed bad ideas to my right brain. "Survival" is just a nice way of saying "clumsy stealth" with your character still trying to avoid getting into fights, but everything is set up so that it's impossible to not alert every enemy you come across. In the case of Resident Evil, it adds another irritation I prefer to steer clear from: backtracking. I hate having to find a single key at one end of an area just to unlock a room on the other end of the area, because no one ever makes a copy of an important key, but everyone makes certain to lock every door in every room of every floor of every building with unique mechanisms, meaning it would require a janitor to walk around with a 20-pound ring on his side to be able to do his job, and that'll never happen because it would mean making a copy of every fucking key!

Wait, are the chains and padlock nailed to the front of the door? Does that really do anything?

Throw some jump scares and spooky music into a plot that is simple in nature, but has been stretched out into a pointlessly complicated mess, and we have this shitty sub-genre. Resident Evil is the first game to fall under this category, but most include Sweet Home and Alone in the Dark, since they were some of the first to make an effort to add horror to the gaming industry. Sweet Home looks like Dragon Warrior, so I'm not sure why I would be afraid of one and not of the other, and the monsters in Alone in the Dark are so terrible looking that it's hard to feel any sort of fear at the sight of them. There's an awful lot of books to read in that game, too. Granted, the scariest part of The Exorcist was when Regan quietly sat in her bed and finished the last few chapters of Breakfast of Champions, but I can't rely upon the demonic power of Captain Howdy to maintain my literary focus while bogies sluggishly make their way towards the detective. On the bright side, the music is somewhat catchy. That doesn't sound right for a Horror title, but I don't care. Most soundtracks for Horror games lose their effect after about thirty minutes. Even the Silent Hill OSTs wear thin as one listens to 90+ tracks of dark, industrial music. The one truly magnificent piece is Esperándote, a tango that made the "bad" ending more rewarding than it should have been.

I find this particular cover to be more frightening than any song on the list.

As far as I'm concerned, the only time a song in a video game is truly scary is when it's that oddball track in an otherwise cheerful or energetic collection of tunes, like the battle theme for Earthbound's Giygas, River Twygz Bed in Super Paper Mario, or Pokemon Red and Blue's Lavender Town.

Fortunately for me, Revelations (Revelaitons?) leans heavily towards action. I can't see why this side-quest in Jill's career is labeled as a Survival Horror. Playable characters are well-trained, well-armed agents, accompanied by AI-controlled partners, and are pitted against these ridiculously weak ooze creatures. 

Males turned into members of the Z-Putty Patrol, while women changed into aquatic, banshee-looking things which seems like a rather convenient metamorphosis to occur on a flooded ship, especially considering that they all must have died near water or else I'd have seen a few floppin' on the floors.

Even the jump scares are few and far between. While the older games are more focused on actual survival, bullets are not nearly as scarce in this one. Heck, by comparison, they're all over the place, and if that's still not enough, several clips can also be obtained through scanning with the Genesis device.  Along with ammo, a player can also scan creatures to obtain a bonus herb whenever he reaches 100%. The closer he scans a living enemy, the higher the percentage value he'll earn, and it pays more to change up what is scanned. Targeting the same type of monster (and there's not a strong variety in this game) will lower the effect. Lastly, there's thirty hand prints that can be located throughout all the chapters to gain access to an herb, a pair of guns, and three achievements for the remastered versions. Still, despite Capcom's push to have the player use this device, I found it to be bothersome as it consistently brought the action to a halt. If it wasn't necessary in some areas, I probably wouldn't touch the Genesis at all, unless it had the ability to spawn a group of deformed Muppets that sang Land of Confusion.

The sight of these would've injected some real Horror into the game.

What justifies the need for the ammo surplus is the shitty dodging mechanic. Relying upon it is like flipping a coin. Most of the time I avoided an attack, it was out of sheer luck. The player is better off keeping his distance and simply unloading on his enemies, especially Rachel.

Once she turns, shoot your load on her as quickly as you can, and as much of it in her face as possible!

The controls in general are an atrocity. One joystick seems to operate the legs and the other, I guess, is in charge of the arms. What's wrong with Z-Targeting these pricks? Aren't I suppose to be a special ops agent in this game? It feels like I'm in control of a cadet, considering how easily my character misses. I think a plausible middle ground would be to include a button for auto-targeting an enemy's chest, while not holding that button would allow one to aim for a boss's weak spot or to rack up head shots against the trash. Speaking of trash, the last fight is pointless. Jill should have just shot Jack Norman in the head while he was rambling, instead of allowing him to mutate himself in front of them. I know the Tyrant is something of a tradition in the franchise, but they seem to have peaked with Nemesis. Norman's a fun boss battle, but he lacks the ability to intimidate. It doesn't help that he looks like Walter White.

Jesse, we need to cook more T-Virus!

Regardless of my whining, Revelations is a great-looking game and it's fun, if only because I shot the fuck out of everything that moved. I found it to be a pain in the ass to play on a handheld, because of the small screen of the 3DS, but I'm certain I would have enjoyed it considerably more if I had an HD version of it playing on my television screen, so I can't really fault it for that. Also, there are moments where all I did was defend myself against an onslaught of creatures and those battles had my heart racing with excitement. I'm no fan of Survival Horror, but I do love a good 3rd-Person Shooter game.

Quit staring at my ass.