Saturday, December 16, 2006

Not Knowing When to Stop 2: The Stopping Continues

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
The X Collection is Capcom's second (and lesser) compilation of Mega mediocrity, featuring only six of the X games and one unlockable racer that was not previous released in the US. On the plus side, I paid half as much as I did for the Mega Man 15th Anniversary Collection, so I shouldn't complain about the exclusion of Mega Man X7 and X8. I just think it'd just be nice to have the entire series, you know?

Before I talk about the games, I'd just like to point out the little side note found on the back of container and on page 21 of the instructional booklet that refers to Nubytech's "EASY TO HOLD AND USE" Mega Man X controller that was "SPECIALLY CREATED with the TRUE FAN in mind."

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Apparently, you will perform better on this particular game if you use the Nubytech device, instead of a standard controller that lacks the "special CHARACTER ART." Not buying it? Perhaps you'll change your mind when you read the unbiased testimonies of some of your favorite Mega Man X characters:

Dr. Light - "BRILLIANT!"

Sigma - "THIS CONTROLLER BLEW ME AWAY!"

Zero - "AAARRF I WANT ONE!"

Would fictional characters owned by Capcom lie to us in caps lockian fashion?

There's also an ad on the last page of the booklet for various Mega Man X candy despensers. These include gumball banks, figurines, keychains, pens, and (my personal favorite) a blue wrist band with a treat-filled Mega Man X head attached to it that any Capcom fanatic can strap to his pale, flabby arm. What better way to ward off those women who surround you and block your vision of the TV?

"Remember what we talked about, baby. Sigma first, sex later. Grab me a Bawls, will ya?"

So, the story begins with a now geezerfied Dr. Cain (remember him?) who uncovers the buried lab of Dr. Light and brings to life the designer's greatest creation, X. Cain is so impressed with X that he recreates the design to form a society of robots known as "reploids." A few months later, reploids go "maverick" and begin attacking people. Other reploids (known as "hunters") are brought together to fight back, but they also go maverick.

It's like trying to douse a forest fire with gasoline.

Anyway, the maverick in charge is a former hunter leader named Sigma whose sheer power, stylish bald head, and obsession with capes makes him the greatest evil our future has ever seen... or will see... or is currently seen by them, but is being foretold to those of us still living within the first decade of the 21st century. Only the combined strength of Zero and X can save us now.

Yes, the story sucks, but who expected otherwise?

The actual game begins with X making his way through a desolate highway that leads him to this purple-clad a**hole:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Vile isn't much by himself, which is probably why he is hiding inside a mech during your fight. You can't beat him, nor should you try. Once you're subdued by Vile's shoulder cannon, Zero will come in and rescue you.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
It's hard to believe that Zero is a dude considering the long, flowing hair and that pair of green, robot breasts.

What follows is the standard rock-paper-scissors battles with seven of Sigma's strongest mavericks (and Chill Penguin).

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Starting with Chill Penguin, you'll find yourself in the middle of nowhere. I don't see a legitimate reason for why I need to secure the frozen, uninhabitable peaks of a few nearby mountains, and I'm guessing Sigma didn't either when he put that pitiful pygmy in charge of protecting them.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Chilly is able to slide on his tummy, shoot blocks of ice from his mouth, and create painless snowstorms that will occasionally slide ice sculptures of himself at you. It's not a terrible array of attacks, just so long as his opponent is incapable of defying gravity for short periods of time. For beginners, simply clinging to the wall is enough to ensure a flawless victory. As for your reward, the shotgun ice is a frozen pellet of water that shatters when it hits the wall. Another effective strategy would be to buy a bag of ice and chuck the contents at any and all who would dare to ask you why you're carrying around a bag of ice in the middle of December. When charged, the weapon becomes a penguin shaped platform that will suddenly begin to slide across the floor and bounce off of the walls. A similar, but more enjoyable experience can be had while you make your way through the gallery.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
There are three reasons why you should fight Storm Eagle next.

1. With the Dash Upgrade, Eagle's initial plan of action (blow you off the stage) is no longer a serious threat. If anything, he'll become an easier target for your X-Buster as he just stands there and blows wind in your face.

2. His Storm Tornado is extremely useful. The rock crusher in the gallery, the mid-level boss of the power plant, and nearly every aquatic robot floating around in the ocean are rendered harmless by this devastatingly powerful attack.

3. Defeating him will have an adverse affect on Mandrill's stage. You'll experience a few blackouts here and there, but the disappearance of those floor-hugging sparks of electricity makes it all worthwhile.

The Chameleon Sting may be his weakness, but you'll have a rough time fighting Sting for it early on.

At this point, you may choose to fight either Spark Mandrill or Flame Mammoth.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
I prefer the latter.

Reaching Flame Mammoth should be a breeze for anyone who has already defeated Chilly Willy. Once that dwarf is out of the picture, Mammoth's factory freezes over, hardening the lava into igneous rock. As a result, you'll be able to avoid all the obstacles by running under them, and can pick up a nice heart-shaped reward for all your lack of effort.

Despite his appearance, I find the name "Flame Mammoth" to be a bit misleading. For a mammoth, he has neither hair nor horn to validate his title, and he weighs only 719 lbs. His weight should range between 4 to 10 tons. Mammy's girth doesn't even reach a short ton.

As for his claim to flame, this maverick barely stores enough heat to light a candle. When he's not trying to flatten you with his fat metal a**, Flamer will blow out a wad of black mucus from his trunk and eke out a small fireball or two from his arm cannon. If one of those fireballs touches the tar snot, it will ignite the booger and act as a temporary hurdle for you to leap over. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Under your feet is an obnoxious conveyor belt that Mammy can change the direction of with his trunk. It doesn't take much to lose your footing, but if, for whatever reason, you just so happen to have the B. Cutter in your sub-screen, feel free to use it to circumcise his face. This will prevent him from toying with the conveyor belt, and you won't have to worry about dodging any more of his snot blobs.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
For those who don't know, a mandrill is an endangered baboon with a colorful face.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
The one in the upper right-hand corner is Mr. Mandrill, the hippie guidance counselor from Cartoon Network's My Gym Partner's a Monkey. The other is called "Spanky". Spanky enjoys the taste of plants, small animals, and the fingers he used to fondle a female's genitalia.

Spark Mandrill is no slouch in battle. Normally, he likes to kicks things off by charging fistfirst into your face. A charged shot to the chin can stop the big guy dead in his tracks, but if you must avoid it, make sure to leap over him (clinging to the wall is a big no-no). Afterwards, Sparky will either send shock waves through the floor or swing across the room. In either situation, continue to unload charged shots from your X-Buster as you try your best to avoid contact, since every hit is very painful.

If you have the s. ice, then there is no need to worry. Each shot will freeze the mechanical simian in his place. Once he breaks out of his icy prison, hit him again.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
"Stand back and be bored by my amazing blocking ability."

Armored Armadillo bounces off the walls, absorbs charged blasts from your X-Buster, and, for some stupid reason, shoots you with a cannon hidden within his forehead. Thanks to his armor, you won't have many opportunities to deal damage. To avoid a needlessly long and annoying battle, you need Mandrill's electric spark. One clean shot will leave Dilly naked throughout the rest of the battle. Once exposed, you no longer need to be patient with your abuse, so go nuts.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Launch Octopus happens to be my brother's favorite maverick. I don't know why, and you don't care, so moving along...

Reaching Launch might be a breeze, but fighting him is a chore best left for later. For one thing, this cephalopod is packing plenty of firepower. Even with the Rolling Shield you took from Dull Dillo, don't expect this battle to end quickly. His barrage of torpedoes will cancel out most of your attacks. The only real opportunity to deal some heavy damage is shortly after he tries to suck you into his whirlpool. Whether or not you can dodge it depends upon obtaining the Dash Upgrade. If you already have the Boomerang Cutter, this battle becomes a joke. Three hits will render him a hexaplegic, meaning no more fish missles and no more whirlpool.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Boomer Kuwanger is a teleporting cockroach who enjoys flinging his horns at you, or flinging you with his horns. Homing torpedoes simplify the match, but they're hardly necessary.

Yeah, that's it. He's a stupid, f***ing bug! What do you want? a hard fought battle? His biggest fear is a giant shoe.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
There's very little to be gained from battling Sting Chameleon, which is why most people don't bother with him early on. His attacks are difficult to avoid, and the ceiling is covered with painful spikes to hinder wall jumping. To add insult to injury, the only mavericks afraid of his C. Sting are Storm Eagle and Rangda Bangda the Maverick Wall:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
"I'm special!"

At least, with the arm upgrade, Sting's weapon can be used to camouflage X for a short period of time. This allows X to run past enemies quickly and safely (a welcomed ability for lazy gamers like myself).

Enjoy it now, because reaching Sigma becomes increasingly difficult with each new sequel.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
In Mega Man X9, Sigma forces you to replay the entire game of Ghosts 'N Goblins.

A spider, tank, and lame death scene later, we come to the finale.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Fighting Sigma is a three-part battle that begins with his purple fleabag, Velguarder, followed by Sigma himself.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Ice the dog, zap baldy a few times, and prepare for Sigma's final form.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Merging with his pooch, Sigma's new body requires you to hop onto one of his claws, dodging two kinds of lightning and a bad case of heartburn, and wiping that smug look off of Sigma's face.

Sigma's last words:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The ending is better:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
The X-Buster says, "Seven... more... games!"

The purpose of Mega Man X2 sits on the flimsy foundation of "Oops, we missed a few." Six months after X's triumph over evil (and Chill Penguin), mavericks have been detected in an abandoned warehouse, assembling a new army. After you wipe that out, eight more maverick bosses appear.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
The gameplay is very similar to the previous game, with the exception of the X-Hunters:

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Agile, Serges, and Violen have taken it upon themselves to rebuild Sigma. In an attempt to buy some time, each one challenges X to a little one-on-one scuffle. To ensure your participation, they each possess a part of Zero. Collect them all to reassemble your fallen comrade, and to see an alternate ending. The fights are optional, of course, and if you ignore one of them to defeat the stage's maverick boss, that X-Hunter will leave and never come back.

Violen is the only one to worry about. Even if you understand the pattern, his ball & chain attack is hard to predict. His second form is basically the same, with minor changes in technique. Even with the upgrades and additional health, the guy is not somebody you want to f*** around with. On the other hand, you could just use the Bubble Splash and laugh at his quick and shameful defeat.

Agile is the tall, purple a**hole whose hideous smirk is all the reason you need to fight him. In his second form, Agile makes a drastic change in appearance (and difficulty). The once powerful, nimble, and possibly gay swordsman has chosen to ride within a ship (also possibly gay) that continuously hovers above you and drops relatively weak spikes upon your head. He'll also unleash a couple of wayward missles that inflict minimal damage (if they actually touch you). If you find the Dragon Punch within the third section of the X-Hunters' base, a clean shot from it will drop him immediately (along with anyone else you use it on).

Serges is my favorite of the three. A crazy little reploid who floats back and forth, dropping land mines and flipping through the air, it's a treat to watch the old man (technically, he was created less than a year ago) in action. His second form, however, is not as enjoyable. Shoot the four cannons, then shoot him.

Once you're done with these three, you plow through the 8 mavericks again, and, depending upon whether or not you collected all the parts, you will face either Zero or Sigma.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Trading in his sword (and his dog), for a pair of claws, Sigma frequently disappearing and reappearing in midair hoping to land on top of you. When that doesn't work, he either comes straight at you or falls back on an old stand-by attack: firing balls of energy at you. Whatever works, right?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
In his second form, Sigma looks like a reject from the original Star Fox game.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Once the stream of vomit has settled, Sigma will fall on top of it and remain unconscious for about a minute. Now's your chance! Hit him with the Strike Chain as much as you can. If his face turns red, then he is choking on his own tongue and the fight is nearly over.

The ending:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Zero promises to never leave X's side again. They make out. Agile watches from afar.

The rarest game in the X series, X3 begins with a researcher named Dr. Doppler who claims to have discovered a vaccine for the Maverick virus, however, the reploids soon discover that his anti-virus is a fake. Now overrun with mavericks, the Utopia that was Dopplertown is no more and Cain's Lab is next. Your first mission is to team up with Zero and clear out the infestation of mavericks from Cain's Laboratory.

A few welcomed changes to the X series include various clips of anime, the option to ask for Zero's help when the need arises, and four types of mech armor.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
In order: Chimera, Frog, Kangaroo, and Hawk

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Missing: a fire-based maverick

X3 comes with the best-looking bunch of bosses you'll ever encounter in an X game (not including Volt Catfish), and they're pretty good fighters, too, but each one possesses a weapon the likes of which are comparable to the crap you earned from Top Man, Charge Man, and Guts Man from the original series.

Worst weapon: Ray Splasher

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Thanks for nothing, Neon!

With the X-Hunters gone, three new stooges appear:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
You may remember Vile from the first game, or from a few minutes ago when I talked about him in this post. He nearly killed you twice, but wasted the second chance when he decided to pick you up and move you to the other side of the screen, then walk back to where Zero was being held captive, and then... nevermind. Forget it. The whole thing made no sense. Just know that he's back and in control of another mech.

His associates, Bit and Byte, are hired by Doppler to take out X. The pair feel like a last-minute addition to the game. They add very little to the storyline, and have no personality to speak of. If you don't defeat both of them by exploiting their weaknesses, they will later fuse together to create one of the stupidest names in gaming history: Godkarmachine O Inary.

Vile is not as creatively idiotic. If you do not defeat him with the Spinning Blade during the first encounter, he will come back in a bigger, stronger mech called the "Goliath." If you choose to defeat him with Zero, Vile will latch onto him and return the favor for what happened in the first game. At this point, X gets to use the Z-Sabre. Yay, a sword!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
If you properly defeat all three of them, then you only have to worry about these losers. Neither one puts up much of a fight, so consider that a reward for your earlier trouble with the trio.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
If battling with Dr. Wily and Dr. Cain have taught us anything, it's that doctors suck at being bosses. Doppler's only real threat is a green shield that converts your firepower into health. His weakness is the Acid Burst attack, but as I mentioned earlier, every weapon in X3 is a piece of s***, so just stick with the X-Buster.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
He's tried killing X with a sword, a dog, balls of electricity, bad grammar, and a pair of claws. Naturally, the next thing on the list is pretending to be a Captain America who can also shoot fireballs. A little practice is all you need to defeat Sigma's first form, but try to reserve your sub-tanks for round 2.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Introducing Kaiser Sigma!

If this isn't f***ing overkill on his part, I don't want to know what is.

As you can figure out by now, the only weak point is Sigma's small, shiny skull. Good luck hitting it. To get an idea of how difficult this truly is, think of it in terms of trying to nail your girlfriend's G spot while her vagina constantly fires missiles at your crotch.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
As a last resort, Sigma will flood the area with fire, forcing you to climb to the top before it engulfs X. Once there, you'll find yourself at a dead end, but don't worry, because the game is over for you.

Depending upon whether or not Zero is destroyed, you'll watch one of two endings. If Zero dies, then Doppler will sacrifice himself in the end. It's a win-win situation with X being the victor! Huzzah!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
The other ending is a repeat of the same crap we've seen twice before.

Due to time restraints, I will have to write the other half of this entry later. If, however, a bunch of you are already bored, then I will simply skip X4, 5, and 6 and focus on my next mind-numbingly dumb post, instead.