It's Mii time!

**Update: Nintendo now uses "Mii" for the name of its avatars. Oh well. I guess I'll have to rely upon the alterative name for my system, the Mehtendo.**

When E3 was over, I thought, "Wow! I need to cash in on this!" Up until now, it seemed as if Sony would remain on top, thanks in part to their large support from third-party developers and popular exclusive titles. With that risky $600 price tag hanging off of their new system, it's now my chance to come in and dominate the industry with my own system, the Mii! Analyzing everything that made the other systems great, I incorporated (stole) these ideas and placed them into my new system, along with some other features that the competition have sadly neglected to even consider.

Mii features:

Backward and sideways compatibility
Next-gen-after graphics
Cordless controllers with motion, smell, sound, and taste sensoring
Wi-Fi, Ethernet, and telepathic online capability
Includes DVD, VHS, and 8-Track players

Other features include:

Weight-loss success
Laser-eye surgery
Hair removal
Washing clothes / dishes / cars
Alarm system
Cures cancer
Portable grill / refrigerator
Time travel
Brings back the dead
Grants wishes

The Mii, along with its portable system, the Mini Mii, are just the first two pillars in a six-pillar plan to conquer the video game market. The Mii will host a number of first-party games of all genres, along with several exclusive third-party titles from big companies, such as Komani, Hamco, and Raprom. The systems will undercut Nintendo's low price by offering the Mii at only $139.99. How can I do this and still make a profit? Like any good American businessman, I use illegal immigrants. In fact, that's why the system is called Mii: Made by Illegal Immigrants. The Miimote will be capable of hovering in mid-air, allowing the Mii to appeal to two other types of gamers: the lazy and the quadriplegic. Yeah, yeah... time-travel, granting wishes, blah, blah, blah, right? You want to know more about the games. Well, of course, the Mii and Mini Mii combined will offer the largest number of launch titles. While most are still in early development, screenshots of some of the more anticipated games have been provided.

Mii launch titles include:

Tales of Nymphonia

After experiencing turbulence aboard her rheaird, the vibration between Sheena's legs left her with a sensation so wonderful that she departs from a gang of idealistic teenagers to pursue her own quest to find the chosen one of pleasure.

Mutant League Skeeball

Monsters play skeeball at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in order to collect enough tickets needed to win the coveted MLS trophy!

Custom Hobo

Customize your vagabond with an assortment of street trash accessories and have him compete in bum fights for glory and the good of mankind.

Hasslevania

For 15 to 20 minutes, the world was at peace, until David Hassleholf once again rose from his tanning bed, unleashing slow-moving, undead lifeguards with giant, bouncing breasts and terrible dialogue to wreck havoc upon nearby beaches. It's up to the Simoan Delmonte and his kinky leather whip to help save humanity, and maybe even end the curse of his virginity.

PEZ Crossing

Explore a new world of wonder and square-shaped candies where even everyday chores are deliciously sweet fun!

Phonic the Groundhog

There's no catching up to this speed-reading demon! Help Phonic stop Dr. Robooknic from conquering the world by quickly reading through each new area's award-winning text and then facing off against evil robot clones of famous authors, such as Edgar Allen Poe, Ray Bradbury, and Dr. Suess!

Petty Theft Auto

It's an open-ended world where you play the role of a 17-year-old street punk who breaks into cars and robs them of loose change, cigarettes, and CDs. You can even pick pockets, snatch purses, and short-change the people at the register.

Streetcraft: Cocaine of Chaos

The mean streets of Los Angeles are about to get meaner as three factions fight for territory, power, and money, while another fights to end it. In this real-time strategy, players are allowed to choose from four races of human sub-species: the Drug Dealers, the Pimps, the Gangs, and the LAPD. As the story unfolds, a stash of very high-quality cocaine from the lost city of Goinnose was said to have been discovered and is currently stored away safely somewhere within the city. This stuff will really f**k you up, and every kind of scumbag wants to find that out for themselves. What they all don't realize is that the LA Mafia already has men of their own working for each of the factions, and no one is sure of who to trust during these times of street violence.

Untold Legends: The Mime's Code

Nothing about this game has been talked about as of yet.

Yazhee: the Video Game

Click the button, and roll. Click the button, and roll. Yes, now you can click and roll your way into a depression as you soon realize that no one else was stupid enough to pay $30 for the virtual equivalent of five dice and a sheet of paper.

Donkey Donga

Slap a wang-shaped controller to some of your favorite tunes and watch how happy that gorilla becomes.

ZOOM

Archeologists have discovered an ancient portal dubbed as "The Gate of Hell." Sent through the portal to collect information, the rest of your party is quickly massacred, leaving you all alone in the HQ building of PBS to fight your way through an army of telebubbies, boo-bah, and several characters from other shows like Cyberchase, Arthur, Mia and Miguel, Between the Lions, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, and George Shrinks. Even if you succeed, the real challenge is ahead as you are pitted against the crafty children of ZOOM, dressed in various costumes and utilizing old jokes, food recipes, and science experiences sent in by viewers like you! Rumor has it that Mister Rogers is an unlockable character, but no word yet from the developers has confirmed this.

D.A.R.C.
This is where the graphics of the Mii are used to their fullest extent, as you must explore enemy-filled streets and warehouses on a pitch-black screen, where the only clues as to what is happening are the sound effects!

Stikmin

Dolomar's ship ran into an asteroid and has forced him to crash in the middle of a strange world where the air is too toxic to breathe and the water tastes like Zima. He must locate all the parts to his ship within 30 days, before his air supply and bottles of beer run out. Unsure of how to acquire all the pieces within a month, Dolomar discovers a race of stick figures who are too stupid to question the concept of slave labor. Taking full advantage of their sad ignorance, Dolomar believes he now has a real chance of escaping this hellhole after all.

Bad Racer

This game is gonna suck... away all your free time!

There is no kind of fun anywhere within this game... that you won't have!

This is the absolutely worst piece of crap racing game in the entire known universe; and the graphics, music, and characters are so awful that you will want to kill yourself just to end the misery of it all... will be the exact opposite of what you will really think about the game!

Fatal Fantasy

This massive RPG comes in a pack of 4 discs, each one ending with a hot female character being stabbed to death by the main boss in a poor attempt to cover up the game's mediocrity with shock value.

RV: the Unofficial Video Game

Based upon the box office bomb starring an unfunny Robin Williams in a rip-off of National Lampoon's Vacation, the game directs you along a linear path into obvious situations of toilet humor and other slapstick hi-jinx.

The Legend of Velda: The Milking of Vaccadorf

Another shameless example of product placement in video games, the great wizard Vaccadorf has kidnapped Princess 2%, while his non-dairy minions run amuck throughout the great land of Creamer. It's up to the great hero Velda to save the people of Creamer and their princess.

Miller Instinct

Dennis Miller has stumbled upon a gateway into another dimension where an old man tells him that he is the great warrior foretold by prophets long ago who would come to save their world from several sharp-witted demon comedians.

Nintendung

Produce and care for your favorite animal made from one of Earth's most natural resources. Nintendung provides players with mini-games, walks around public restrooms, and even interaction with the commode floaters of other players as ways of developing and customizing your fecal friend.

BADD Dudes

Brawlers Against Drunk Driving is an organization fighting to stop those who refuse to drink responsibly.

Harvest Poon

There's six gorgeous ladies in need of some lovin', and only one boy who can satisfy them. Which one will it be? Do you like the old-fashioned method? Maybe you'd prefer a dominatrix, a bisexual, or perhaps the one who likes to dress up as an animal. It's up to you!

Super Princess B***h

King Kooga has captured Blario and it is up to the princess to save him. Using the strength of those irrational emotions found within every woman, watch as PMS turns Beach into a super Beach, amplifying her hormonal hatred tenfold.

Mehtris

Tired of remake after remake of everyone's favorite puzzle game, Mehtris simply sends the exact same square block over and over again.

ArmRash and Earl

Gangrene has left ToeJam with only two legs, and if Earl wants to save his friend from having to live the rest of his days in a wheelchair, he and ToeJam's younger brother must scour Funkatron for the funkiest ingredients of funktitude ever to funking funk! Saying "funky" never seems to get old as everyone is required by Funkatron law to use some form of it once in every sentence.

That ho, Raven!

Oh Shnapp! Hungarian cheerleading warlords have taken over the school and have managed to brainwash everyone except for one fat ho whose head was too far into a giant bucket of popcorn chicken to be affected by the hypnosis rays. Can Raven save the school before the player sets the cartridge on fire and flings it into a busy highway?

Floorboard Kids

With not even enough money to buy warm clothes or food, five deformed children decide to participate in a series of competitions using wooden planks from the front porch of someone's cottage and his fence. Can you win enough prize money to feed and clothe your racer before he dies of starvation or hypothermia?

Pac-Bastard

Apparently, there is some infidelity going on in the Pac-Man household as this forsaken offspring stars in his own simple, endless version of the game.

And finally,

Sarsnov

Help a sickly, pale Chinese man find the fabled cure-all can of Buddha's chicken noodle soup by spewing contagious microbes at your enemies and collecting several blocks with the letter "S" on them which have been scattered all over the place. These blocks contain small samples of the soup to help keep your scrawny man alive throughout the journey.

As you can tell, the Mii will reign supreme! Watch out video gaming world! It's my time to shine, motherf-ers! And why? Because it's all about mii!

My Accurate, Unbiased 2006 E3 Overview

Ah, E3! It is the biggest, bestest, most importantest event in the video gaming industry! The sights, the sounds, the slippery grease saturating the floors from hot and sweaty nerds running back and forth, attempting to grab every available piece of swag, hoping to temporarily fill that void of loneliness in their hearts with free crap… yes, there is nothing quite like E3. This is a big year, too, because Nintendo and Sony have decided to show off the goods for their upcoming systems, the Ps3 and the Wii. Meanwhile, Microsoft has decided to make the enemy of their enemy their friend by showing support for Nintendo’s new system. Bill Gates even dropped by to shake hands with the staff, only to have one of his arms ripped off suddenly by an overly excited Reggie (is there any other kind?).

Nintendo’s chief marketing officer apologized several times for the incident, but Gates merely smiled and told him, "No biggie, Reg. I’ll just buy a new one later." He then threw this precious decaying freebie out to the audience to fight over.



Always the giver!
Willing to wait in line for hours, many spectators were very anxious to see and experience the future of Nintendo. No surprise, the most popular area of the expo was the "Punch the man who came up with the name ‘Wii’" booth, which consisted of a line of angry Nintendo fanboys that wrapped around the outside of the building twice.


Luckily, the man at the booth was able to locate most of his teeth before the end of the 3rd day, and is now in the process of winning the remaining molars off of Ebay.
Many great games were revealed at E3, but I'll only talk about a small portion of them, because I'm lazy, and loading video and images of all them takes forever on my dial-up dependant, six-year-old computer.

Microsoft brought joy to many of its fans when it revealed that Halo 3 was now in development. Of course, there were other great titles to look forward to on the XBox 360, such as Too Human, Gears of War, Unreal Tournament 2007, Blue Dragon, and Rainbow Six Vegas:
From Sony, there wasn’t as much excitement, but I can assure you, it does have some big sequels coming up that will justify the $600 price tag on the PS3, such as Final Fantasy 13 and Tekken 6, but I think the most intriguing title will be Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.
The game features a much older Solid Snake who decides to go on one last mission before he is forced to retire. As usual, the storyline features plenty of twists and turns. Players soon find out that Snake is already retired, living out his days in some South Florida geezer community where illusions brought on by a late stage of Alzheimer’s disease leads the incontinent hero to lurk around BINGO halls and golf courses. Under the theme "no place to hide", Snake must find new ways to sneak around crafty metal gears (the health care staff), relying upon his Solid Eye technology, the MK. II communicator, and, as usual, a hand gun (usually, it's a banana, but he may grab a tube of toothpaste, instead).
AARP magazine says, "After watching the video, my diaper filled with excitement and anticipation!" Hey, mine too!
Finally, Nintendo fans screamed for joy with the introduction of Solid Snake as a playable 3rd-party character on Super Smash Bros. Brawl, in addition to other new faces – Pit (Kid Icarus), Wario, and Metaknight (Kirby). Suddenly, the floodgates opened wide with possibilities for this game as Nintendo alluded to the idea of bringing in even more 3rd-party characters into the mix. Who knows? We might finally get to see Sonic the Hedgehog face off against Mario. Actually, I'd like to see the Ice Climbers face off against Bubble Bobble or maybe Crono against Link. Many are anticipating up to 50 playable characters. Last I heard, Nintendo was taking suggestions through their Japanese website for additional characters, items, and stages. I'd want to see Goemon (Mystical Ninja) as a playable character, with his giant fighting robot making an appearance in the background of one of the areas, but I won't get my hopes up with him. However, I am also hoping for Little Mac and King DeDeDe to become characters, the addition of a Tetris-themed battleground with falling blocks as obstacles, and for the Adventure mode to feature a special battle against the floating head and hands of Andross. They aren't likely to happen either, but they have a better shot than Goemon.
Other characters I'd like to use include Robo (Chrono Trigger), Lara Croft (Tomb Raider), Django (Boktai), Sami (Advance Wars), Master Higgins (Adv. Island), Karnov (Karnov), and my personal favorite, Mike Haggar (Final Fight).I can hardly wait to find out more about the game. If nothing else, it had better include the series' greatest playable character, Jigglypuff. Until then, Super Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime 3, and The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess are more than enough reasons for me to purchase a Nintendo Wii, even if the certainty of their Wiimote's motion sensor technology is still in question... along with the company's sanity.

Yes, you can use the Gamecube controllers with the Wii system. Hooray for Nintendo!

Now With Capes!

Ah, it feels so good to be done with college for this semester. I love DP as much as the next really intelligent, handsome, all-around-great video gamer, but not when I am drinking can after can of it to help me stay conscious in class. I know Mountain Dew has more caffeine, but it also tastes like urine... well, maybe not exactly like urine. After all, I've never seen a chimpanzee smile after drinking a bottle of Mt. Dew.

Anyhow, I am done until August, giving me about three and a half months to help sell dad’s old house, to move crap into his new house, and to play through Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy 8, and Chrono Cross. All I gotta do first is finish taking care of everything on Tales of Symphonia, which I didn't realize had 8 endings and a dungeon hidden within a library book. Once I found this out, I had to abruptly stop playing my other games. I can’t claim having finished any RPG just by watching only one of its endings and making no attempt to complete its side-quests. If a developer puts forth the extra effort into making the game, then I should put forth the extra effort into experiencing all of it.

Now with my new found freedom, I have decided to talk about something near and dear to my heart since I finally got the chance to watch an episode of its new season on ABC. The Power Rangers Mystic Force series retains the same low quality of children’s programming found within many of the show’s previous themes, but this time, they do it with capes! YES! WOOHOO! Ahem, well, the show is a slightly better version of the quickly cancelled The Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog, possibly because it doesn’t have that thick-accented, black British guy yelling "Wah-tah around me!" Even with capes, however, the new season of Power Rangers still can not compare to the first, and greatest, season of the series. In fact, the history of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers is almost as interesting as the show itself.

After the cancellation of Voltron: Defender of the Universe back in 1982, America went through what historians dubbed the "Great Voltron Depression." Millions of Americans died of famine and grief, while others became violent with protesting and bombings.

You may not know this, but there were originally two Statues of Liberty, one on each side of America. Demands to replace Lady Liberty’s torch with a blazing sword fell on deaf ears, resulting in the destruction of the California statue. **A little known fact: Shortly after the mess was cleaned up, part of the ruined statue was used in the climactic ending of the original movie of the Planet of the Apes.** As the Great Voltron Depression continued to ravish American society, lame spin-off Voltron shows were created and quickly axed, while Michael Jackson somehow managed to release yet another album. The situation was becoming worse with each passing day, and it was clear that neither President Reagan nor President Bush had the necessary resources to stop it. Finally, Haim Saban and Shuki Levy teamed up to create something truly magnificent. On August 28, 1993, FOX aired the first episode of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers!


The show was pure genius from start to finish. Those people fortunate enough to have seen the show will never forget Zordon’s fat floating head as he commanded his poorly built robot Alpha 5 to "recruit a team of teenagers with attitude" in the opening before the show’s theme song.



No easy task, mind you, but luckily, in addition to everything else in the world, KISS merchandise did include a device that checked the level of one’s attitude. With it, Alpha 5 managed to bring together a team of teenagers with attitude, and of ethnic diversity. Appropriately, an African and Asian played the roles of the black and yellow rangers. There was a Native American for the role of the red ranger, but he couldn’t stay clean long enough to finish shooting an episode. Of course, there had to be a know-it-all ranger in the group. This was basically decided upon by choosing the guy who looked best in glasses. As we all know, glasses = brains, and there’s no such thing as a stupid person with poor vision. After that, Alpha simply threw in a bimbo for good measure and voilà, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers were created!

Voltron fans were in awe of its greatness. Everything they had fought long and hard for had become a reality. The show included terrible dialogue, Japan-esque acting ability, and some of the most original weaponry ever thought up by someone not under the influence of marijuana. Where else can you see silly string and a Ribbon Dancer save the world from evil? Heck, "evil" isn't even a strong enough word to describe this bunch of living nightmares.


There was Rita Repulsa and her "Make my monster GROW!" staff,

Goldar the winged monkey in golden armor who makes those growling sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Conan ‘O Brian show: "Errrr, Red Ranger, you can not stop us... errrrah."

There was the lovely Scorpina, who had the ability to be beautiful one moment and hideous the next (kinda like Sarah Jessica Parker). Some say Goldar loves her, and why not? Nothing wrong with a little Asian tang.

And later came Lord Zedd, who ruled in every imaginable way until he was put under a spell and forced to marry Rita. Surprisingly, the Rita and Zedd sex tape is one of the few things left that you won't find on the internet. Ugh.

What the show lacked in original footage (you might notice in the first season that the yellow ranger turns into a man several times during battle) it made up for with its high level of quality. Regardless of where you attacked the rangers, pain was always represented with a single black dot on their chests, just like in real life! Also, the ideas for monsters to face the rangers were chosen carefully and meticulously, taking into account the originality of their names, abilities, and appearances. Some of these monsters included the following:
Gnarly Gnome, Pudgy Pig, Chunky Chicken,


Mr. Ticklesneezer, Terror Toad, Babe Ruthless,
and my personal favorite, Pineoctopus, who took the form of Pineapples the Clown and turned people into cardboard cut-outs.

Even with all of this, fans still desire a return of Voltron. There is the possibility of a movie in the near future, and who knows, maybe even a new cartoon series that is more loyal to the original, instead of more crappy spin-off shows. Until then, grab yourself a DVD copy of Voltron (or VHS, whatever) and the series of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and bask in their cinematic glory.

^_^ Man, it’s good to relax again!